I have always said that relationships are not for the faint hearted. It takes a lot of commitment, motivation, effort and hard work to maintain a functional, healthy and balanced partnership.
If you have chosen to be in a partnership isn’t that what you want? Then why does it seem, for some couples so difficult, if not impossible and so far out of their reach? Why so easily triggered, why the fights and arguments, power struggles, the tears and heartbreak? Couples tell me all the time they long “for the way it used to be” when they were in the honeymoon stage of the relationship.
Or maybe the relationship has simply lost the spark, you are bored, complacent and you have become like roommates with little or no intimacy and mundane communication.
Even worse, relationships can cross a line and escalate to name calling, yelling, insults, sarcasm, banging doors and what Gottman calls the four Horsemen that can predict the demise of a relationship: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.
Perhaps your relationship has had frequent separations with renewed hope for reconciliation every time only to find the old patterns returning again and again. This can be very frustrating and can feel hopeless.
Perhaps there are addiction or untreated mental health issues with one or both partners which are playing a significant role in the problems in your relationship.
There can be nothing worse than losing your bond or connection with your partner, feeling that there are no solutions, feeling shattered by the events in your relationship or there is potential for separation or worse divorce. It is not what you envisioned or hoped for. But whatever you face, no matter how hopeless it may feel, with some hard work and dedication you can find your way back. There is hope for your relationship.
My Training in Couples Counselling
I am an experienced couple counsellor utilizing Harvell Hendrix’s Imago Relationship Therapy as my main modality. I also have training in Congruence Couple Therapy and the Gottman Method.
What I Do First
The first thing that happens is that I would like to invite you as a couple to participate in a free 30-40 minute phone session whereby we can have an initial discussion, where I can tell you about myself, my approach, how I work and answer any questions or concerns that you have. You can tell me a little about your couple issues, then we can determine if this is a good match. It can be frustrating to spend your hard earned money for a first session to discover “this is not the right therapist for us.”
After the consult you can take time to decide and call me later, you can let me know right then that this is not the place for you or you can make an appointment.
I know taking that first step can be scary, but please feel free to reach out. Remember you can always say no after the free consult or take time to think about it. You are in charge of your journey. If you decide to pursue couple counselling with me, you will need to read and sign an Informed Consent document and the initial session will be history taking, rapport building, goal setting, discussing the No Secrets policy and other initial session tasks.
Subsequent Sessions & My Approach
Welcome to the couple counselling journey and fasten your seatbelts!
I have a passion for couple counselling and there is nothing better than watching couples transform their relationships when I have a front row seat. I am with you all the way and we form a team like a triangle whereby I am objective, impartial, supportive but am also directive and challenging when needed.
There are times I am teaching you concrete practical skills, times when I hold up the mirror for you to see yourself and more times when I am providing you with ample opportunity to practice new communication skills in session. By the time we get to session three to five you are spending more time talking to each other in session than to me. We spend a lot of time on communication styles and I will teach you specific communication techniques that are structured and designed to break through the dysfunctional, negative and unhealthy patterns that have developed over time, for some over years or decades. These patterns can be deeply ingrained and need specific interventions.
We also explore “exits” i.e. the specific ways you avoid your partner and provide you again with interventions to identify and eliminate these, so you can show up for each other and connect in a more authentic way. I will teach you how to slow down your relationship, take a breath, calm down your nervous system (so there is less flight or fight in your relationship) and implement interventions.
Imago Relationship Therapy
Not everyone will have heard of Imago Relationship Therapy. It is more common in Eastern Canada and the USA but I have been blessed to discover this modality many years ago. I choose this modality due to its unique approach and how well it aligns with my own philosophy and approach. In addition, having used this approach for many years I have seen first-hand how effective it is and have witnessed couples transform their relationship. I integrate Congruence Couple Therapy and the Gottman Method at times and when appropriate, depending on the couple’s needs.
When I work with you on your exits, communication styles, ingrained patterns, how you respond and react to each other, your hurts, anger, frustrations, wounds and heartbreaks I often look for the roots of these things. Where did this originate? Where did you learn this? There is often a connection between the frustrations that couples experience in their relationship to childhood experiences. There is often a direct link between how you communicate with your partner and what you learned about communication as a child. For example, if you experienced neglect, abandonment or criticism growing up in your family of origin, you might be experiencing that again in your couple relationship. When we explore family of origin we often find that couples are simply re-creating their childhoods in their adult relationship and experiencing the same wounds and hurt that they did in their family growing up. This is often unconscious and Imago’s unique interventions bring all this to light and provide ways for couples to understand their partners and their own childhood wounds. This paves the way to learn new ways to communicate, new ways to express frustrations, new ways to respond and react to each other and move toward a more conscious relationship.
When Couple Counselling Does Not Work
Couple therapy does not always work. If during the consultation or course of couple therapy it is disclosed or found out that one or both are in active addiction, engaged in infidelity, if there is violence or if one or both have untreated mental health issues, couple counselling will not be effective. You need to be willing to work on the addiction first or give up the person you are having an affair with or see a professional to deal with violence or the mental health issue. These are my exclusion criteria.
To be clear I will not work with a couple if there is current addiction, current infidelity, current violence or untreated mental health issues. If these are past issues but are still impacting the relationship then this is something we can work with, this is appropriate and you are making the right choice to seek help. If any of this needs clarity or if you have questions about appropriateness, then the consultation should clear up any questions. You can also drop me an email with any questions.
Another reason that couple counselling does not work is when one or both is looking for a magic wand for changes to happen rather than putting in the work themselves. They might be looking for a quick fix or a magic solution or might want the therapist to “change my partner” or “make him/her see the light.” These couples usually do not do the homework assigned, read recommended material or practice at home the skills and techniques taught to them. Couple counselling is not only the 90 minutes you spend in therapy with the counsellor, it is also what you do with the rest of the time.
If you are not willing to do homework or practice the skills between sessions then I am not the couple counsellor for you.
Finally, sometimes it is simply not the right time. You really need to be ready for the couple counselling journey and if you are not, that’s ok too. You will know when it is the right time and when that time comes I am here ready to walk this journey with you.